Memories of the mess
by dancer627
Summary: This is my confusing, thrilling and painful love story – this is my memories through the mess. Rating just in case. Lily/James.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one: Prologue**

**Disclaimer: No, I am not JKR, and I did not write the HP books.**

Everyone remembers their first love. It may not be the strongest, but it's always the one everyone remembers. "My first love" has become a term related to beauty, innocence and youth – and perhaps that's the reason ones _first_ love is the love that's most written about, most talked about, and generally most known.

I, too, remember my first love. I remember it much too well, actually, and that may be because it hasn't ended. And to be honest, it never will. I know what you're all thinking: _She thinks she's found the love of her life, but before she knows it, he's left her for a girl with bigger breasts, and she's all alone. She is so young and naïve. She will learn when time comes. _

It's true, I am young: twenty two years old tomorrow, actually. But despite my age, I am no longer naïve. How can I be naïve when I have seen death, seen innocent people die for no reason? How can I not know about the cruelty of the world when I have been there, fighting? I can't.

It is so weird to think back at the innocent girl I once was, whose biggest problem in life was to get a good grade on a test at school. I don't miss her – though being like that made my life so much easier, I was stupid. And I fully admit it. But what is the reason that I'm no longer her? What changed my life forever? It all comes back to my first love.

He changed how I looked at the world. He was the one person that told me never to stop fighting, because though at times it would seem hopeless, it never was. He gave me the hope I needed to stand strong. He forced me to open my eyes. In one way, he made my innocence disappear. But he also taught me how to laugh during the storm, how to dance when I felt like dying. I'm no longer innocent, but I have never, ever been as happy as I am with him. He showed me the reality, but at the same time, a world so beautiful and colourful that always fills me with hope.

This is why I know that our love will never end. There has never been, and will never be, anything naïve about what we feel for each other. It's scary, true and the most wonderful thing that'll ever happen to me.

I was seventeen when I fell in love with him. I had everything without really appreciating it, and he, the man I'd grown to loath, messed it all up.

I was furious, of course, but at the same time thrilled. Because, even though I didn't want to admit it at first, it was a wonderful mess.

This is my confusing, thrilling and painful love story – this is my memories through the mess.

**A/N: Please review:D Even though I'm extremely happy you've read this, it would mean even more to me if you'll take the time to review. That way, I will know about what you all like and don't like, and my writing will hopefully improve. So, please review:D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two: ****Letters**

**Disclaimer: This is FANfiction, and I'm still not JKR. Wish I was, though… :)**

I've never written many letters, which is probably why so few people ever write to me. Sure, in my first year at Hogwarts, my parents wrote to me all the time, which forced me to write back. My letters to them never included much detail, though. Luckily, they stopped missing me after some time (if not stopped missing me, at least they managed to control themselves), and I got much fewer letters. I have always loved to read and write, but I just don't have the patience to write to other people.

I was therefore quite surprised when an owl flew into my bedroom and dropped a letter in my lap. Oh, the owl didn't surprise me; I was used to them after six years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. No, it was the letter inside an envelop of yellowish parchment that caught my attention.

I put the book I'd been reading aside and grabbed it. I couldn't help but feel a slight disappointment when I saw what it was: The Hogwarts letter. I'd been expecting it the entire summer, so I felt a bit stupid for thinking that perhaps it was something more interesting. At the same time, however, I felt sad. This was my last year at Hogwarts, and soon I'd graduate and start a life in the real world. It would be the end of an era – even though I wouldn't admit it to my mum in a million years, Hogwarts had become my home.

I opened the letter quickly, expecting to see the usual booklist and a letter welcoming me to start my seventh year, but instead, my eyes landed on a shiny, golden badge inside the envelop. I dropped the letter in shock.

"Petunia!" I yelled, completely forgetting that my sister had loathed me ever since the day I turned out to be a witch and she didn't. I would have felt sorry for her, but she treated me with so much disrespect that I didn't really care anymore.

"Petunia, I'm the new head girl!" I yelled again, as the realization began to draw upon me. I knew she wouldn't be happy for me at all, but I was too exited to give a darn. Normally, I would have told my parents first, but they were both at work. As my older sister still hadn't responded, I picked up the letter from the floor with trembling hands, and started to read. I won't bore you with what it read, as it was horribly formal, but basically, it congratulated me for being this year's head girl. _This is a great honour, _it said. Of course, I was already aware of that.

I was quite surprised, actually. I hadn't dared to hope that I, Lily Evans, would receive the highest position a Hogwarts student could have. Sure, I'd been a good prefect, but I hadn't for one second dared to think that I had been the best of them all. But then, I thought with a smirk, perhaps all the others had been so bad that I was the only one who'd been somewhat decent? That made more sense.

I wondered briefly who the head boy would be as I walked out of my bedroom and into the living room. None of the male prefects had been that wonderful… It was probably that Hupplepuff whose name I never remembered, I concluded. He was rather cute, I thought, smiling as I imagined what it would be like if the two of us got together. I was in serious need of a boyfriend. I wasn't very comfortable being single…

A blonde nineteen year old was sitting on the couch, watching the telly. Ever since we were little, Petunia and I had heard that we didn't look one bit like each other. The only thing we had in common was our long necks and straight noses, and some people supposedly thought that our cheekbones had a vague similarity. Petunia had used to have the same red hair as me, though, but as we grew older, hers became blonde, while mine only turned a darker red.

"Guess who this year's head girl is?" I grinned and sat down beside her. She glared, but didn't look at me.

"Why, you're the new head freak?" she snapped angrily, and I sighed. Of course she wouldn't understand. If dad had been there, he would have crushed me in one of his bone-breaking hugs and wept. Yeah, my dad cried. A lot. Mum would've insisted on taking me out shopping, because she had read in some of her magazines that girls at my age loved to shop. Of course, mum hadn't been shopping since she married dad, and it was very annoying and just a little bit funny when she tried to act like she was seventeen again.

I was right, of course. When my parents got home, they reacted exactly as I had foreseen. I even had to ask dad to let me go, as he crushed me so hard that that I was afraid I'd get strangled. I used almost half an hour to convince mum that I preferred to go shopping alone, and even then, she wanted to give me money.

I had really annoying parents, I realized. But all the same, it was worth it.

"So, who's head boy?" mum asked when I had finally accepted the money. I didn't intend to use any of it, though. I had some galleons in a vault at Gringotts, the wizarding bank, and I didn't need more to buy my school supplies. I had never been too fond of clothes, anyway.

Our whole family was sitting around the dinner table, but dad was the only one still eating. Sometimes I wondered whether that man ever stopped eating. His belly was so round that I doubted it.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. I had gotten to the conclusion that the cute but boring Hupplepuff whose name I never remembered couldn't possibly be the new head boy, as he had completely abandoned his prefect duties for a few weeks last year. When I asked him about it later, he said it was because one of the teachers had yelled at his girlfriend, and he had stopped being a prefect in protest. Sure.

"Hopefully he's handsome," mum laughed in her girlish laugh. I often wished I had inherited that laugh, but no: When I laughed, people thought I was dying.

"Yeah," I smiled, "And it doesn't hurt if he's nice as well. Oh, and he must have a good humour."

"Wha'? You're goigh to go ouh wi'h 'he head hoy?" Dad, whose mouth was filled with food, asked. He looked a little too angry for my liking. He was very protective of me, and though it at times could come in handy, it was mostly just annoying.

"I doubt it," I told him, just to reassure him. Mum, however, wouldn't have that.

"Oh, Richard!" she exclaimed. "Lily is such a beautiful girl, and she can't throw that away just because you don't like the fact that she'd dating boys!"

"Seventeen year old boys are never to be trusted…" Dad began, but Petunia cut him off, looking hopeful:

"Am _I _beautiful?" she asked, staring at mum with wide eyes – well, as wide as they could become, they were pretty small.

"Well, you're…" Mum muttered, looking uncomfortable. "Of course you are, honey."

I wasn't the only one who noticed that she hadn't looked at my sister while saying it; Petunia was looking tearful. For a moment, I forgot that she'd been so horrible to me, and put my hand at hers, trying to comfort hear. She pulled back, glaring at me.

"I'm going to my date with _Vernon_," she announced, getting up, "my new boyfriend. At least _he _thinks I'm beautiful. And he's going to be rich some day."

With this, she stormed out of the kitchen. And I, deciding I didn't want to be the target of my mum and dad's questions about what was wrong with her, told my parents that I had to leave as well. Of course, the only date I had was one with my book.

At the time, I had lots of troubles with falling asleep at night, and this night was no exception. As I lay there in my bed, my whole family sleeping, I couldn't help but stare at the head girl badge, wondering if it was for real. I wondered what this would mean. I wondered why on earth Dumbledore thought I would make a good head girl. I couldn't understand it.

It was then I decided to do something that I hadn't done for several months: Write a letter. I grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill.

_Dear Mary, _I wrote. Then I stopped. After Severus Snape and I stopped being friends in fifth year, Mary MacDonald and I became very close. I guess she was my new best friend or something like that. But, as much fun as the two of us had together, I had no idea what to write. That probably had something to do with my lacking abilities of writing letters as well, though. But I needed to talk to someone, and Mary was the first person that came to my mind. Too bad she wasn't a muggle, so I could call her…

Fifty minutes later, I was done. I was quite happy with the result: Not too short, not too long.

_I know, probably not the person you expected a letter from, right? Oh well, I'll write to you anyway. It's past midnight, and I'm supposed to be asleep, but guess what? I'm not. Therefore, I decided I might as well write you a letter and tell you how glad I am that we're friends._

_Ok, that's not exactly why I'm writing to you. I'm this year's head girl (or head freak, as dear Tuney likes to call it), you see. Isn't that kind of weird? I mean, does it make sense to you? Because it sure as hell doesn't to me. I thought head girls were supposed to be stuck-up goody-two-shoes with O's in everything._

_I miss you, Mary. It's been too long. Only one week till school starts again, though! I can't wait. Oh, and if you still haven't been to Diagon Alley, which I doubt because you're always late at everything, no matter how much you deny it, maybe we could go together? We could meet at The leaky Cauldron Thursday, twelve o'clock?_

_Love, Lily._

My owl, Susan, was out hunting. Sighing, I folded the letter together and put it under my pillow. If I had thought writing to Mary would make my eyelids feel heavier, I had been very wrong, indeed. If anything, I seemed even more awake.

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! **** Yes, I know you all miss James and the marauders. Well, guess what! They'll be in the next chapter! But if you don't review, they might not be there… Muahaha! (Just kidding :P How can I ever take the marauders away? I love them too much!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three: The Diagon Alley**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

By Thursday, Mary still hadn't responded to my letter. This wasn't unusual behaviour, though. Dad drove me to the pub, The leaky cauldron, and at twelve o'clock, I was having a friendly chat with the barman, Tom. I have always liked that fellow; he's bald, has rather bad personal hygiene and only one tooth left, but he always tells the funniest stories.

Now, for example, he was telling me about his first girlfriend (whose name had been Mirabella. She had forced him into marrying her after they'd kissed), when the door opened and a red-faced, slightly chubby girl entered. Rays of sunlight hit her curly, blonde hair, causing it to look like a halo. She was grinning her extremely large grin, and all her pearly white teeth were visible.

"Sorry I didn't respond to your… unexpected letter, Miss Head girl," she exclaimed as she saw me, and I laughed.

"It's ok, Mary. I know you." I smirked.

She rolled her eyes, still grinning. "Too bad."

She rushed forward to hug me, and I realized how much I'd actually missed her. It was nice to finally be with someone at my own age.

We spent the whole day in Diagon Alley. The first place we had to go was Gringotts, since we both needed money. It turned out I only had a few galleons left, and I realized with a jolt that I had to start working after graduation. Sure, Mary offered to give me all the money I needed, but I knew I couldn't accept that, even though her family was extremely wealthy. Then we bought all our books at _Flourish and botts_, the bookshop. I used my last galleons on a romance novel I couldn't wait to read. It was about a witch who fell in love with one person she couldn't be with: An evil wizard. The thing was, though, the evil wizard wasn't so evil; he just needed someone to love. At least that was what I suspected. Olivia Thoronton, a girl in my dormitory, had read it last year, and she had cried for almost half an hour after finishing it.

"I cannot believe you're buying that… _book_ instead of the adorable set of robes we saw!" Mary exclaimed as I paid for it. I rolled my eyes, knowing that Mary hated anything to do with reading. Plus, I hadn't really liked the "adorable set of robes". She went to Madam Malkins and bought it, though. I tried to tell her that pink didn't look too well on her skin, but she refused to listen. If I'd had any money left, she would undoubtedly have made me buy the same set of robes in the same colour as well.

We were on our way out of the shop when Mary spotted them.

"Look!" she said happily, pointing at someone sitting at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. My gaze followed hers, but I couldn't help but scowl as I saw who she was pointing at.

"I'm not in the mood for the marauders now, Mary," I told her, staring at the four boys. The marauders were a group of boys in my year, and yes, I thought it was a pathetic name. I mean; the _marauders_?! Oh well, at least it was original. Plus, the name wasn't even close to being as pathetic as one of the boys who happened to be a part of that group: James Potter. The pathetic, so-called "perfect" boy who for some reason fancied me. "Let's go that way," I muttered, turning to walk in the opposite direction, but Mary grabbed my arm.

"Don't you want to go say hi?" she said cheerfully. "No, of course you don't. Why don't you like them, Lily? I mean, they're so funny…"

She was much stronger than me, and now she was dragging me by my left arm towards them.

"Mary," I pleaded. "Please don't do this. They're not funny and I really, really, really don't like them…"

"How can you say they're not funny, Lily?" she asked, waving at Remus Lupin who had just spotted us.

"Because," I whispered, afraid they'd hear me, "They are so arrogant and they think they're so _extremely_ funny when really, they're nothing but immature teenagers without any real perspective on the world."

"Hi guys!" Mary said loudly, completely ignoring me. I groaned. She had really done it, now. Hopefully they would have to leave soon… But somehow, I doubted it. They all turned to look at us; Remus Lupin smiled warmly; Sirius Black grinned arrogantly; Peter Pettigrew muttered a "hi"; and James Potter ran a hand through his dark hair, his large eyes focused on me.

James Potter had always, in my eyes, been an arrogant bastard with no brains whatsoever. I had first met him on the Hogwarts express in first year, and he'd been so mean to Severus, my friend back then, that I immediately started hating him. He was nothing but a spoiled, stupid and big-headed boy who'd always gotten everything he wanted. Of course, Sirius wasn't much better, but though I didn't like him very much either, it was Potter that really got under my skin, probably because Sirius, at least, had had some troubles in life.

In third year, something very strange started happening, though. James Potter, the boy I'd made it perfectly clear I wanted nothing to do with, started picking on me. And though I was only thirteen, I wasn't stupid, and I understood that he was trying to flirt with me, even though he was being terribly immature. I ignored him, but sadly, one day he asked me out. I didn't hesitate when I turned him down, but ever since then, Potter flirted with me, asked me out several times, and was being a total arse at the same time.

He was good-looking, though, in a charming way. He had never been dashingly handsome, like Sirius, but there was some kind of boyish charm about him that had all girls at their feet. It was impossible not to adore the untidy, yet black hair, and the beautiful eyes that always twinkled behind his glasses.

"Hi," I said, trying to smile. Even though I couldn't stand them, well, Potter in particular, I didn't want to be rude. I'd lost my temper at the last day of the term last year, so I was pretty sure he remembered the fact that I didn't like him. And though he probably didn't deserve me smiling at him, I couldn't help myself. Plus, Remus really wasn't that bad… Sure, he was a bit of a coward, him not daring to stand up against all the stupid things his friends did, but he had always been polite the few times we'd talked. Peter was decent as well, but he was so shy that I had never managed to get to know him. All I knew about him was that he was a huge fan of his friends… And that was one of the reasons I'd stopped trying to talk to him. I had to admit that I did admire Sirius Black, because he was brave enough to stand up against his family. His family was purebloods who believed in the dark arts, but Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor, and was therefore called a blood traitor. Sadly, it wasn't enough for me to actually like him, since he was way too close to Potter.

"Evans," Potter, now grinning even more arrogantly than Sirius, said. I tried hard not to glare at him, but I don't think I succeeded. So the summer hadn't deflated his head one bit… I had to admit that I was disappointed. Even though I knew the chances were small, I'd had a small hope he would've changed. Obviously, I was wrong. Now I'd have to dislike him this year as well.

"Potter," I responded, my voice slightly icy.

Sirius, always a ladies man, held out a chair for Mary to sit down. She grinned wickedly at him and, before I knew it, we were sharing a table with the marauders.

"So, guys, how was your summer?" Mary asked happily. Potter immediately got into a long story about how he and Sirius had had to steal an old muggle lady's handbag in order to find the golden snitch. The snitch had, apparently, completely disappeared while they were playing Quidditch, and the two of them had thought it had landed in the handbag (which it hadn't).

I remained standing. I hoped that, by some miracle, Mary would suddenly realize that she didn't want to sit with the marauders any more, and would leave instantly. The chances didn't look too good, though. She was laughing heartily at something Potter had just said, and now Sirius joined in the story too. I sighed.

"Don't you want to sit?" Remus asked softly, looking up at me. I smiled, but shook my head.

"I'd rather not," I told him, sending a meaningful look in Potter's direction. He was staring at me, I noticed. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he smirked.

"Can't keep your eyes off me, can you, Evans?"

I took a deep breath. So what if Potter was an arrogant jerk? He'd always been. I was too good to get worked up over something small like that. Somehow, I managed not to snap back. Yes, I was fuming inside, but I told myself he wasn't worth it.

I knew the others were impressed with my self-control. Well, Mary was, at least. I was normally not a girl to hide my temper, and the fact that I was just ignoring him like that, was something huge in her eyes.

As soon as Potter continued his story, still sneaking glances at me, Remus turned to me again.

"He's not that bad, you know."

I looked with disbelief into Remus's light blue eyes. They were wide and honest, but I didn't believe them. Of course he would stand up for his friend, but there was no reason for me to believe him. "He's just-"

"Shallow," I cut him of. Was he? I didn't know him very well, to be honest. But from what I'd seen of him, there was no denying that he was the shallowest and most superficial person I knew. He even hexed people just because they weren't as funny, cool, rich or good-looking as him.

"That's not true," Remus defended. "You don't know him, Lily. He's a great guy."

I snorted. "Maybe you should date him, then."

"I would, if he wasn't already so obsessed with a certain redhead standing in front of me," he said, the corner of his lips twitching.

I felt myself smile, despite Potter's presence. I found that I liked Remus; he was nice, and his dry sense of humour was quite entertaining. Quickly, my eyes trailed his face, and I saw something I'd never noticed before: his face was badly scarred. No, not horror-movie-scarred, and it was neither scary nor ugly. But he had these long, almost invisible scars, and I could count almost four of them. I wondered where he'd gotten them, but I didn't want to ask him. I had a feeling it was personal.

"Look," I told him. "Guys like Potter just aren't my type. He is, no matter how much you try to deny it, extremely arrogant. And every girl in the whole bloody school has had a crush on him! I like… special guys. Original ones."

Remus was about to respond, but I'd had enough.

"Let's go, Mary," I said loudly. They all looked at me, surprised by my sudden outburst, perhaps, but I didn't care.

"But Peter was just telling us about-"

"_Now,_" I ordered, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her out of the chair. Strangely enough, I managed it, and she followed me. Not without giving Peter and Sirius a hug each, though. She would've hugged the other two as well if I hadn't been so impatient.

"Bye," I called over my shoulder. Peter's, Sirius's and Remus's goodbyes drowned in Potter's "Later, Evans!"

"They are _so_ hot!" Mary said excitedly as soon as they couldn't hear us anymore. But I wasn't listening. I could still feel Potter's eyes burning into my back, and for some reason, that made it impossible to focus on anything else.

**A/N: I really do hope you enjoyed the third chapter! It was quite fun to write… :) You g****otta love the marauders, right? Anyway, please review:D**


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